LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life
Join therapists Jerry Sander & Kristy Gaisford as we look at both the hard truths, and joys, that accompany intimate relationships. Our perspective is personal, practical and based on experience: we've both been married, divorced, and married again after finding great partners for our second marriages. (Both of us had four children apiece in our first marriages; Kristy has four step-children in her second one). Both of us maintain relationally-focused private therapy practices, focusing on couples and individuals. ) We are both certified in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy and are regular, authorized presenters of the weekend Relationship Boot Camp. We also offer a weekend workshop for those who are starting their lives again after the life-altering relational reset of divorce.
Episodes
80 episodes
The Wise Adult
The Wise Adult is the gold standard for the capacity for intimacy. In our 80th episode -- and that last one before a 8 month hiatus from recording -- we consider the beauty and optimism this layer-of-personality brings, offering us relief from ...
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Season 4
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Episode 15
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37:06
The Strength of the Adaptive Child
Poised in between the slings and arrows of early childhood (i.e., the Wounded Child) and the emergence of the Wise Adult, the Adaptive Child becomes our friend and our go-to personality more often than not. Jerry and Kristy pay homage to it, wh...
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Season 4
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Episode 14
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36:00
Bad Couples Therapy
This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of conne...
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Season 4
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Episode 13
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53:54
Are You Curious About Yourself?
After having previously considered how curiousity functions in a relationship, Kristy and Jerry take a look at how it also influences us as individuals, over our lifespans.
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Season 4
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Episode 12
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37:49
Are You Curious About Your Partner?
After a summer hiatus, Jerry & Kristy are back, talking about the curiosities -- or lack of curiosities -- we have about our partners. How does this affect intimacy? Long-term relationship habits can work to erode spontaneity, a sense of di...
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Season 4
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Episode 11
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38:08
Controlling Your Partner
Jerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway?An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is fea...
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Season 4
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Episode 10
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40:08
When You're Both Avoidant
So what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewa...
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Season 4
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Episode 9
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31:37
Seek First to Understand
Identifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy ...
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Season 4
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Episode 8
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41:53
That Third Day of Vacation Fight
You finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most c...
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Season 4
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Episode 7
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34:57
The Space Between Our Two Realities
Sometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about...
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Season 4
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Episode 6
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33:59
New Beginnings With the Same (Old) Partner?
Is it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner.
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Season 4
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Episode 5
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30:49
The Long Ride Home After Couples Therapy
Triumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped...
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Season 4
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Episode 4
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26:06
When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing
In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state ...
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Season 4
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Episode 3
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46:25
Self-Soothing
In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techni...
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Season 4
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Episode 2
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36:29
How To Use Therapy
Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.
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Season 4
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Episode 1
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35:49
Making the Most of Your Time Together
It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of thes...
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Season 3
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Episode 18
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45:17
Diagnosing Your Partner
The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple i...
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Season 3
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Episode 17
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32:25
Repair
Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of...
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Season 3
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Episode 16
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1:09:44
Money
Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even b...
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Season 3
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Episode 15
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43:55
Patriarchy In Our Relationships
Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for bo...
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Season 3
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Episode 14
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42:01
Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed
You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of me...
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Season 3
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Episode 13
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32:52
Ego
What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning...
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Season 3
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Episode 12
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46:53
What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?
It's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing th...
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Season 3
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Episode 11
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37:31
I Am DONE!!!
Memorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy t...
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Season 3
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Episode 10
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36:40
The Selfishness of Addiction
An addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step group...
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Season 3
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Episode 9
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39:46